boundaries

When the Kids Grow Up: Laying Foundations for Children to Fly

Parents all know that the time is coming eventually. We are made aware of the limited time we have with our kids when we bring them home from the hospital. Eighteen years. Thirteen school breaks. A limited number of weekends. That precious time we have to help mold and guide our children into who they will become is so limited. We spend childhood and adolescence teaching them to make choices, building their character, cheering them onward.  Whether our children leave home at eighteen to go off to college, start a career, or even stay at home for a while as adults, a shift occurs when our children become adults that must be acknowledged. And while experts say it shouldn’t be one distinct moment when our children go from completely dependent on us to completely independent, the transition can be difficult for everyone if there is not a foundation of trust, understanding, clear boundaries and expectations, and of course love. It doesn’t have to be a scary time of unknown for you or your child, if you take some crucial steps throughout your parenting. 

  1. Start early in explaining to your kids why their independence is important to you. One of the best ways for children to be prepared for independence is for them to be given independence early on in life. This can be done in developmentally appropriate ways as your children grow up. It may look like allowing your toddler to pick his or her own clothing or telling your elementary school child that she is responsible for packing her own backpack for school. When your child becomes a teenager, they can start making their own haircut or dentist appointments, filling out their paperwork for school, (minus your signature of course!) and making their own choices about extra-curricular activities and courses to take. If your child struggles with wanting to do these things independently or wanting your help in ways that are not healthy, help them understand that you want them to be able to make their own choices and manage their own needs eventually. Remind them they are competent and capable with your actions and your trust of them. It’s always better for our kids to make a mistake while we can help them understand and cope with the consequences of that mistake than for the first time they mess up to be outside of the safety of our care. 

  2. Help your children to know they can always trust you with their concerns and worries. One way to ensure that your children will continue to come to you for advice and counsel even as adults is to be trustworthy with them from a young age. If your kindergartener comes to you upset about a friend’s mean words, make sure to affirm how your child feels and talk with him or her about what happened. If your teen wants to talk about a budding romantic relationship and asks you to keep something in confidence, don’t break their trust by telling people outside of your family about what they said. Your child should know that your word can be trusted and that while you won’t keep a secret (say from their other parent or that could cause harm) you won’t break their trust. This will build a foundation for their future where as adults, they can come to you with bigger questions and worries, knowing that you will not break their trust and that your advice is given in wisdom and truth. 

  3. Give your child boundaries for your relationship with them and help them learn to form boundaries for themselves. One of the most crucial ways we can help prepare our children for independence is to teach them how to have healthy relationships with others and to protect their own mental well-being. A solid foundation for this is to teach your children about boundaries within relationships. You can read more about setting boundaries in our blog post on the topic. 

  4. Respect your children’s decisions when they make a wise choice, even if it’s not the choice you might have made for yourself. As their kids become teenagers and adults, parents can often struggle with understanding why their children choose different paths than they might themselves have taken. This can lead to questioning your child’s choices or even criticizing their decision making skills. While it may seem like it’s your place to comment on your older child’s choice in college, career path, or choice of partner, this commentary can be damaging if it’s not done in the right way.  If your child is not unsafe, it’s important to be careful and purposeful in how you talk with them about their life choices. For example, if your teenager decides to take a year between high school and college to work and figure out exactly where they would like to go to school and what to study, you may feel like they shouldn’t do this, especially if it wasn’t your path. But if they have logical reasons, they’re not hurting anyone, and they have a clear plan, try to be hands-off. It may help your relationship in the long-run because you’ve trusted their judgment. 

Overall, parenting older children can be tricky. It is a balance between offering guide rails while also allowing them to “fail safely.” We all want to continue to have strong relationships as our children age into adulthood, and maintaining trust and communication are vital to this. 

In the upcoming weeks, we will be expanding on this idea, so be sure to come back to the blog to learn more about parenting adult children! In the meantime, if you want to learn more about building relationships with your kids, or need help with a difficult parenting or family situation, click the link below to connect with one of our Rockwall or Heath counselors that specialize in family or teen counseling. 

A Beginner's Guide to Boundaries

Questions to ask yourself when beginning to set boundaries

Boundaries. Though this idea is not a new one for mental health professionals or those of us who have participated in counseling or therapy, setting healthy boundaries is one of those topics you may have heard of recently in the news or on social media. The word itself may sound harsh or punitive, but in fact boundaries are an important part of any healthy relationship and can allow you to prioritize your time, mental health, and emotional health. Learning to set boundaries at work, at home, and in your relationships can positively impact your self-esteem by allowing you to disengage from unhealthy patterns in a way that is respectful of the other party and your own values. By evaluating what it is you want to prioritize in different situations, you can learn where to set boundaries and how to respectfully enforce them.

AREAS TO CONSIDER SETTING BOUNDARIES

Boundaries in the workplace. One area of your life where you may want to consider setting boundaries is with your work. Western and particularly American culture are extremely work and task driven, and while this can certainly allow us to be successful in reaching goals, too often people find balancing work life and home life incredibly difficult. An example of setting a boundary at work might be to communicate with your employer or supervisor the hours you’ll be available and whether or not you’ll be responding to emails or other work related communication outside of your time in the workplace. For example, if you want your weekends to be solely for family time, but your supervisor sends emails over the weekend, you may need to set a boundary by communicating, “I understand that there are things that may come up outside of business hours, however, my unpaid weekend time is for my family. I will not be dealing with work issues during these times, and will instead respond when I return to the office on Monday mornings. Thank you for respecting this.” Notice that this boundary isn’t punitive. It places the responsibility for holding the boundary with you, not your employer. You’re planning to prioritize your time with your family because it is what you value. 

Boundaries in romantic relationships. This can be such a tricky area in which to set boundaries, but is also one of the most important. Whether a dating relationship or marriage, romantic relationships need the trust, respect, and safety that healthy boundaries create. One example of a boundary you may discuss with your spouse could be how you speak to one another in moments of conflict or argument. It could sound something like, “Because I feel emotionally triggered when I am yelled at, I will not engage in any conversation where there is yelling. If you yell during an argument, I will disengage until I know we can continue the conversation in a de-escalated way.” Again, this has more to do with what you will tolerate rather than controlling the behavior of the other person. You’re the one responsible for removing yourself from the situation rather than just telling them to stop yelling. 

Boundaries with family members. Just like with romantic relationships, boundaries within your family can be challenging. No one wants to feel that they’ve alienated someone they love by setting a boundary. But it’s also important to remember that boundaries don’t exist to harm the other person but rather to preserve your own priorities. Any number of areas with family can be something you set a boundary regarding - visits, time spent together, conversation topics, privacy, etc. One common boundary people set within families surrounds the types of conversations that you want to have or not have. You may, for example, not want to engage in political conversations with family members because, while you respect their differing view from yours, you feel it always escalates and causes tension. You might set a boundary from this by saying, “I can tell you feel really strongly about this topic, and I know it’s important to you. However, I won’t discuss it with you. Talking about this topic is not more valuable than our relationship, and I don’t want to cause tension between us.” You may also run into issues with family members and your children if you are a parent. Often parents set boundaries to protect their children’s mental health from situations that may arise with family members. Whether it is in regard to your parenting style, what your children wear, their eating habits, or their behavior, if you feel your child is being negatively impacted by the input of others, especially if it is unsolicited input, it is okay to set a boundary regarding this. 

THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN SETTING A BOUNDARY

As we’ve mentioned, setting boundaries can seem tricky and even unnatural if you’re a people pleaser or used to setting your own wishes aside to make others comfortable. If you’re new to setting healthy boundaries for yourself, consider the following questions as you try to figure out the process:

  1. What goal or priority of mine does this boundary support?

  2. Am I setting this boundary to punish someone else or to protect myself?

  3. Can I hold this boundary in a healthy way while still respecting others?

  4. Am I willing to accept that holding this boundary could impact my relationship with others, even if that is not a reflection of myself?

Learning to set healthy boundaries can be a truly revolutionary practice in your life, as it ensures that relationships you keep support you and don’t impact you negatively. They are an empowering way to keep your priorities in alignment while still respecting others. If you need help learning more about boundaries or how to implement them into your life, click the link below to find which one of our Rockwall area counselors can help you learn about this important practice!


Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer