adult children

When the Kids Grow Up: Rebuilding Broken Relationships

Broken relationships. This phrase is one none of us want to hear, but one of the relationships we least want to see broken is the relationship we have with our children. As we have delved into understanding the dynamics of relationships between adult children and their parents, we’ve addressed how to lay a foundation that avoids serious rifts in the future as well as what happens when a child’s decisions cause them to go wayward. The final aspect of this series looks at rebuilding a broken relationship with your adult child. And although the obvious goal is to avoid this separation altogether, realistically, when two humans interact with one another, neither is perfect; hurt can occur, regardless of how the two people are connected to each other. This means that parents and children can and will have conflict, too. 

But this doesn’t mean that hope is at all lost if you and your child have a strained relationship. Just as with a marriage or friendship that encounters difficulty, you can work with your child to rebuild trust, honesty, and communication when you have a broken relationship with them. It will take work on both of your parts, and it may require professional help. But with commitment to a positive outcome and clear communication, you can work to rebuild your relationship with a wayward child. 

Start conflict resolution from a healthy place. One of the first steps you should take is determining if all parties are capable of moving forward toward a better relationship than what you’ve had in the past. If you have had serious conflict with your child because of life choices he or she has made, you may not be willing to engage in rebuilding a relationship with them until they’ve corrected the errors they’ve made or gotten set on a better path. For example, if your child broke your trust by abusing drugs or alcohol, you may need to make sure they’re working on their own sobriety before attempting to rebuild. The reverse is also true. If you have mistakes you should account for, such as infidelity with your child’s other parent, or anger issues of your own you need to be willing to take responsibility for the hurt this may have caused your child. 

Set yourself up for success in communication. One of the ways you may have fallen out with your adult child is refusal to communicate for one reason or another. It could be that your adult child disagrees with you about the way they have chosen to parent and in setting a boundary communicates with you less and less, or you could have told a wayward adult child that you won’t engage in communication with them while they are still in active rebellion. Whatever the reason for lack of communication, if you’re working on rebuilding trust, open communication is vital. Talk with your adult child about when and how you both want to communicate with one another. Is text messaging better because it can be reciprocated easily? Or are face to face conversations easier because tone doesn’t have to be inferred? Do other people, such as their partner or spouse, need to be included in the communication? Be respectful of one another’s time, and remember that it’s okay to start small and work your way to bigger, heavier topics if you have been out of touch for a longer period of time. 

Remember that respect and boundaries should be exhibited by both you and your child. Boundaries and respect are crucial parts of any healthy relationship. If you are working to rebuild a broken relationship with your adult child, ask them up front what boundaries they feel are important and be sure to communicate which boundaries are important to you. By discussing these things initially, it is easier to hold a boundary if it is violated. For example, if you cannot be a part of your adult child’s risky or dangerous choices, let them know this from the start, so it doesn’t feel as much like an ambush to them if the boundary has to be held. Additionally, this concept goes both ways. Be willing to listen to the boundaries your adult child sets and respect the ways they are protecting their own mental and emotional well-being. 

Willingness to accept responsibility for mistakes can go a long way in repairing a broken relationship. If you and your adult child have come to a point at which you’re both ready to reconnect, they may have done work themselves in understanding unhealthy patterns in relationships as well as the formative experiences that molded their world view. As much as you may want your adult child to take accountability for his or her actions, if they come to you with openness and honesty about a hurt you inflicted upon them, it is important to hear them, acknowledge your own wrongdoing, and ask for forgiveness. We cannot expect our adult children to apologize for their mistakes if we are unwilling to do so. 

Bringing in a neutral, highly-trained, third party can be beneficial for everyone. Family counseling is not just for families with young children. Broken relationships with adult children can benefit greatly from working with a licensed counselor. This professional can help you understand your adult child’s needs and create a new relationship for you in this new phase of life. 

Having adult children is a unique path to navigate. It can be difficult to deal with conflict and wayward behavior in adult children because, unlike our young children, they have the freedom to do as they please and remove themselves from our homes. As much as we want to continue to have our children in our lives as they grow into adulthood, it’s not required, and it can be difficult if there has been a strained relationship. If you are seeking help to work on rebuilding a relationship with your adult child or you are looking to avoid current family difficulties becoming worse, click the link below to connect with a counselor from Rockwall Counseling and Wellness today. 

Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

When the Kids Grow Up: Parenting Wayward Adult Children


The anecdotes are ones we’ve heard before. We may have witnessed it with a sibling or family member, or even ourselves. We’ve seen friends go through the struggle - wayward adult children. The grown up kid whose decisions aren’t keeping them safe, whose lifestyle has veered drastically from the way they were raised. 


No one wants to think about the possibility of having a significant falling out with an adult child. It’s one thing, and it’s even expected, to have disagreements, difficult conversations, and tough stretches when your kids are young. But when children grow up, leave our homes, and become independent, their decisions are no longer ours to guide. Nevertheless, we still are their parents. We want what’s best for them. We want them to avoid harm. We want them to want and need our advice and input; it’s only natural. In reality, they may not need it, and they may not want it. Whatever the situation is that leads to a wayward adult child - money decisions, a relationship you feel is harmful, substance abuse, walking away from religion - there are important things for you the parent to keep in mind that will allow you to have peace and continue to seek a stable relationship with your adult child. 


Your wayward child’s decisions are not your fault. While there may be many factors at play in your adult child’s world, some of which could come from childhood experiences, the choices they make are ultimately their own. If they are adults and have chosen to live out of your home, you cannot control the choices they make. 


You can and should set boundaries for yourself. If a wayward child is treating you disrespectfully, you do not have to engage in that conversation. As hard as it may be, you can tell your child, “I will not participate in a conversation where I am called names. So, if you choose to do that, I will not be engaging in this discussion.” Remember, boundaries are set to protect yourself, not to punish others. 


A person’s unkindness often speaks more to hurt they are experiencing than a desire to hurt someone else. If your child is lashing out at you, it’s likely not because of something specific you did, but, much like a tantrum in a young child, is actually about something much bigger. For example, if you have expressed disapproval of your adult child’s relationship, and they choose to speak in a hurtful way to you, your disapproval may be causing them insecurity. 


Enabling someone is not loving. One of the hardest things parents of wayward children face is knowing when they cross the line from helping their child into enabling their child. Although this most often happens with parents whose children engage in substance abuse, it can also happen when adult children mismanage money or make other drastic, poor choices. We all want our children to be safe, but protecting them from the natural consequences of their adult decisions may only make matters worse in the long run. Knowing this balance is delicate, and it will look different for every family depending on the circumstances. A good question to ask yourself may be this, “Is the help I’m giving my wayward child causing other members of my family or myself to be in an unsafe situation or to lose something important?” If the answer is yes, you may want to consider if you’re helping or enabling. 


You can love your child infinitely, and choose to disengage from dangerous behavior. As uncomfortable as it may be, if you have an adult child engaging in illegal or dangerous behavior, it is more loving to set a boundary and not be party to that activity. 


When communicating with your wayward child, focus on your love for them rather than how their behavior or choices make you feel. At the end of the day, your wayward child is still the person you raised. You still love them. This is the basis for all your concern, all your worry, and all your pain. And it should be the focus of what you tell them. You don’t have to see eye-to-eye for your child to know that they are loved. 


Even if your child is not interested in counseling, you can benefit from seeking outside help. While working with a counselor may be beneficial for your wayward child, they may not see things that way initially. However, you, your spouse, and other members of your family may benefit from seeing a counselor to talk through what is going on in your family. Having a wayward child is emotionally taxing and can even be traumatizing. By focusing on your own mental health and wellness, you can be better prepared to set those boundaries and to have difficult conversations with your child when they arise. If you are struggling with a parenting an adult child, or are interested in other counseling services, click the link below to find a counselor at one of our Rockwall or Heath locations today!

Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

When the Kids Grow Up: Laying Foundations for Children to Fly

Parents all know that the time is coming eventually. We are made aware of the limited time we have with our kids when we bring them home from the hospital. Eighteen years. Thirteen school breaks. A limited number of weekends. That precious time we have to help mold and guide our children into who they will become is so limited. We spend childhood and adolescence teaching them to make choices, building their character, cheering them onward.  Whether our children leave home at eighteen to go off to college, start a career, or even stay at home for a while as adults, a shift occurs when our children become adults that must be acknowledged. And while experts say it shouldn’t be one distinct moment when our children go from completely dependent on us to completely independent, the transition can be difficult for everyone if there is not a foundation of trust, understanding, clear boundaries and expectations, and of course love. It doesn’t have to be a scary time of unknown for you or your child, if you take some crucial steps throughout your parenting. 

  1. Start early in explaining to your kids why their independence is important to you. One of the best ways for children to be prepared for independence is for them to be given independence early on in life. This can be done in developmentally appropriate ways as your children grow up. It may look like allowing your toddler to pick his or her own clothing or telling your elementary school child that she is responsible for packing her own backpack for school. When your child becomes a teenager, they can start making their own haircut or dentist appointments, filling out their paperwork for school, (minus your signature of course!) and making their own choices about extra-curricular activities and courses to take. If your child struggles with wanting to do these things independently or wanting your help in ways that are not healthy, help them understand that you want them to be able to make their own choices and manage their own needs eventually. Remind them they are competent and capable with your actions and your trust of them. It’s always better for our kids to make a mistake while we can help them understand and cope with the consequences of that mistake than for the first time they mess up to be outside of the safety of our care. 

  2. Help your children to know they can always trust you with their concerns and worries. One way to ensure that your children will continue to come to you for advice and counsel even as adults is to be trustworthy with them from a young age. If your kindergartener comes to you upset about a friend’s mean words, make sure to affirm how your child feels and talk with him or her about what happened. If your teen wants to talk about a budding romantic relationship and asks you to keep something in confidence, don’t break their trust by telling people outside of your family about what they said. Your child should know that your word can be trusted and that while you won’t keep a secret (say from their other parent or that could cause harm) you won’t break their trust. This will build a foundation for their future where as adults, they can come to you with bigger questions and worries, knowing that you will not break their trust and that your advice is given in wisdom and truth. 

  3. Give your child boundaries for your relationship with them and help them learn to form boundaries for themselves. One of the most crucial ways we can help prepare our children for independence is to teach them how to have healthy relationships with others and to protect their own mental well-being. A solid foundation for this is to teach your children about boundaries within relationships. You can read more about setting boundaries in our blog post on the topic. 

  4. Respect your children’s decisions when they make a wise choice, even if it’s not the choice you might have made for yourself. As their kids become teenagers and adults, parents can often struggle with understanding why their children choose different paths than they might themselves have taken. This can lead to questioning your child’s choices or even criticizing their decision making skills. While it may seem like it’s your place to comment on your older child’s choice in college, career path, or choice of partner, this commentary can be damaging if it’s not done in the right way.  If your child is not unsafe, it’s important to be careful and purposeful in how you talk with them about their life choices. For example, if your teenager decides to take a year between high school and college to work and figure out exactly where they would like to go to school and what to study, you may feel like they shouldn’t do this, especially if it wasn’t your path. But if they have logical reasons, they’re not hurting anyone, and they have a clear plan, try to be hands-off. It may help your relationship in the long-run because you’ve trusted their judgment. 

Overall, parenting older children can be tricky. It is a balance between offering guide rails while also allowing them to “fail safely.” We all want to continue to have strong relationships as our children age into adulthood, and maintaining trust and communication are vital to this. 

In the upcoming weeks, we will be expanding on this idea, so be sure to come back to the blog to learn more about parenting adult children! In the meantime, if you want to learn more about building relationships with your kids, or need help with a difficult parenting or family situation, click the link below to connect with one of our Rockwall or Heath counselors that specialize in family or teen counseling.