Dealing with Pregnancy and Infant Loss

October is recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. In light of this, we at Rockwall Counseling and Wellness want to take a moment here on our blog to recognize those of you affected by this and honor your journey. We know that no words typed here can ever lessen the depth of your grief, but we hope you know we are deeply sorry. We grieve alongside you and your families and hope you find comfort and peace. 

As you process this immense loss, there are things that mental health professionals agree can be helpful. 

Acknowledge that the loss you are grieving is real and the emotions you feel are valid. 

One unfortunate thing that happens around pregnancy loss is that there is a societal norm that tends to diminish the loss as being “just a pregnancy” or “at least it was early on.” But the reality is that no matter how far along your pregnancy was when you miscarried or lost an infant child, your grief is very real. Surround yourself with those who validate your grief and support any healthy way in which you choose to cope with the loss. 

Find ways to honor the child you’ve lost. 

Many communities offer nights of remembrance for child and pregnancy loss in which participants can light candles, release balloons, or say a few words honoring their loved one. This may help you feel that you have honored your child in a way that you were previously unable to. Others have said that creating remembrance books, shadow boxes or other physical reminders of their child’s life is helpful. You could include things such as sonogram images, pregnancy tests, inked footprints or other items that you find significant. Even if you don’t display this, it can be helpful in remembering and honoring your child. 

Communicate your feelings openly and honestly with those whom you feel safest. 

As with any situation in which you grieve, the loss of a pregnancy or infant loss comes with many emotions. You may feel anger, resentment, frustration, confusion, or a myriad of other things. Talk to those around you who you know will listen without judgment or without trying to “fix” the situation. If this is not something you’re sure where to find, consider talking with a licensed mental health professional as you process your experience. 

Know that this is not your fault. 

As humans, it is our natural response to unexplainable situations to try to explain them. We want a reason for what we’re experiencing, especially when it is tragic or difficult. You may be seeking a reason this happened to your family to try to avoid another loss or simply to feel more assurance. But even if there is no known reason for what occurred, it is important to remember that you did nothing wrong. Most pregnancy and infant loss is through no fault of the mother or anyone else. You did nothing wrong. This is not your fault. If seeking answers to the question of “why” is making you more anxious or more frustrated, it may be better to let that search go, and you can work with someone to learn how to speak truth to yourself about the situation rather than focusing on what you don’t know. 

Seek out support groups or other organizations that connect people going through pregnancy or infant loss. 

One way to find comfort in situations like these is to come together with people who have a shared experience. Shared experiences create empathy, and while it’s great for people to sympathize with you and want you to feel comfort, empathy is different. Empathy says “I’ve stood where you stand, and we can get through this together.” You may find support groups through your local church, your healthcare provider, or through organizations like the March of Dimes. 

At the end of the day, your grief is your own. No one can tell you exactly how you should grieve or what process you may need to go through. If you’re faced with well-intentioned people who offer platitudes like “at least…” or, “You can always try again,” keep in mind a few things. First, those people do not say these things out of malice or unkindness. They’re likely doing what we all naturally do when someone we know is suffering - trying to say or do anything to be helpful. No one likes feeling that they can’t help, and often we will say the first thing that comes to mind in a situation like this. It is not your responsibility to teach them what to say. 

Pregnancy and infant loss is something no one should ever have to go through, but if you find yourself going through it, you are not alone. 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. It is estimated that 1 in 4 women will experience a pregnancy loss in their lifetime. If you would like to speak to one of our licensed therapists or counselors about your grief and your healing, click the link below to get started. It would be our honor to walk alongside you through this difficult time. 

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Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

Anticipatory Grief

There is a different kind of grief that we as a society don’t often discuss. It is the grief that comes before and alongside. It is the grief that we begin to feel when the bad news comes, when the diagnosis is confirmed. And it never really leaves us until it becomes the grief of the actual loss. 

Anticipatory grief is the feeling of grief or loss before a loss ever happens. People experience anticipatory grief when they know the eventual outcome of a situation will be the loss of a loved one. Anticipatory grief has been studied in those who are close to and caring for people with terminal cancer, Alzheimer’s disease, ALS, and other life-limiting diseases and disorders. While some argue that this type of diagnosis can give loved ones time to prepare for a loss, there is also a prolonged suffering and pain associated with anticipatory grief that weighs heavily on those who go through it. One caregiver described it as this:

“It’s like stubbing your toe really hard, over and over. The pain of the first slam into the edge of the door never fully goes away before you’ve hit the exact same spot again the next morning. There is constant, lingering pain from the impact, and the acute pain of the reinjury. You’re constantly reminded that you’re hurt, and that you’re going to continue to hurt for a long time.”

If you’ve ever experienced this with a loved one, be it friend or family, you know exactly what this feels like. The initial terminal diagnosis is bad enough to experience, and to acknowledge that this person you love so dearly will pass away. Even though we all know that none of us is immortal, we also don’t really like to think about death or those we love dying before ourselves. Then as you deal with the aftermath of diagnosis, there is more grief. You know what is coming, but still feel unprepared. You see them becoming more sick, and you don’t want them to suffer. But we also want to not lose them. 

Anticipatory grief can feel heavy and burdensome, but it is not insurmountable. There are ways to mitigate the pain and to care for yourself if you are in a caregiver role during this season. 

1. As much as possible, connect to your loved one. Spend quality time with the person and make happy memories together as much as their diagnosis and your grief will allow. This could look like taking a special trip or having jewelry made in their memory to share. It could also be just spending time with them and talking and laughing together. Often a reaction to grief and pain in general is to pull away from the painful situation, but mental health professionals agree that this only causes regret when the loved one passes. Though it may feel difficult, spending time with the person you love will leave you never wondering if you could have said or done more. 

2. Think about and write down the things that remind you of that person. Maybe they’ve always loved butterflies or a certain type of flower. Or it could be something related to a sports team or their favorite band. It could even be related to a favorite memory you have with them. Whatever these things are, write them down. When they’ve passed, any time you see these things, it will help you remember them. In many cultures, people believe that a person is never really gone until those that loved them stop saying their name, so you can even make a practice of this. Saying their name aloud when you see the object or hear a song that reminds you of them can bring a flood of happiness and positive memories. This practice can carry you from the anticipatory grief stage through the physical loss and beyond. 

3. Connect with others who are dealing with similar situations. Often during a difficult diagnosis, medical teams can connect families with others who have the same or similar diagnoses. Being able to discuss your grief, anger, and pain with others who can truly empathize with you is incredibly impactful and can help the grief experience feel less alienating. Another place to look for community in this regard can actually be through social media. If you’re unable to find others with the same diagnosis or situation nearby, there is likely an online community. While virtual friendships may seem hollow, they can also provide a strong sense of belonging and understanding, especially in the case of a rare disease or diagnosis. 

4. If you are the caregiver of a person in terminal illness AND experiencing anticipatory grief, take care of yourself, too. In these situations, it is often family members who are also caregivers to the ill person. And while this gives everyone a chance to spend time together, caregiver burnout is very real. Medical offices should have resources for families to help find care for their loved ones and provide respite. If this isn’t offered for your family, ask to speak to a social worker who can aid in the process. 

5. Seek counseling as you move through the grief process. Grief never looks the same for any two people. Some find purpose in supporting causes for the diagnosis that took their loved one. Other people may need time to retreat from thinking about the loss. Whatever grief looks like for you personally, a counselor or therapist can truly help you navigate both the anticipatory grief and the grief after loss. Not getting help during a season of grief is not a sign of strength or a badge of courage. If you’re having a difficult time, the best thing you can do is seek help for yourself. If you’re unsure where to start, click the link below to connect with one of our licensed, experienced therapists today. 

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Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

Counseling and Grief: How Therapy Can Help You Process Pain

Queen Elizabeth II once said, “Grief is the price we pay for love.” If we have loved someone, the result of losing that person is grief. The idea of grief encompasses the range of emotions a person feels when a loss occurs. These can include, but aren’t limited to, sadness, anger, depression, emptiness, denial, shock, or even apathy. Grief is a part of the human experience, and even though the most common cause of grief is the loss of a loved one, any major loss can cause grief - the loss of a career, the loss of your home, the end of a marriage, or even an unexpected diagnosis that changes the path of your life. All of these events can cause feelings of grief, and without working through the loss you’ve experienced, grief can become overwhelming and impact your mental health and your relationships with those around you. If you’ve recently experienced a loss or someone you care for is going through the grieving process, here are some things to keep in mind.

• Your feelings of grief are valid. You may feel like you need to “move on” or “toughen up” if you’re struggling after a significant loss, but this is just not true. Pushing aside the negative things you feel will not solve your problem and will only prolong emotional healing. 

• Although we often hear about the “stages of grief” the grieving process is not linear. If you were to Google “stages of grief,” you would come across articles outlining the following:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Brought forth by psychiatrist Elisabether Kubler-Ross in 1969, these are the widely accepted phases that psychologists use when talking about grief. However, mental health professionals also now agree that grief is not something that happens in a predictable pattern; it affects each person differently. Kubler-Ross herself said in her last book published in 2004 that the stages of grief were, “never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages.” A grieving person may go back and forth between all of these different mindsets as they process their loss. They may never experience denial, or they may initially accept the loss, but after further thought become angry. These emotions can change daily and be triggered by unexpected things. It’s okay if your grief ebbs and flows.

• You can move forward from your loss without forgetting the person or idea that you’ve lost. If you have suffered the loss of a child to miscarriage, becoming pregnant again neither negates your loss or means you’ve forgotten that child. The same goes for if you’ve lost a spouse but eventually remarry or lost a pet and eventually get another. The person you’re grieving can remain important to you, regardless of how your life changes after they’re gone.

• Your grief is your own, and while it is good to seek counsel from those you trust, no one has a right to tell you how you should feel or how you should grieve. If the way you are processing your emotions is not causing harm to you or others, you don’t need to change how you’re grieving. 

• Just as with any other mental health situation, grief may also cause physical symptoms such as panic attacks, fatigue, nausea, aches and pains. While these symptoms are normal to experience, if they are interfering with your daily life, you should seek help from a licensed therapist. 

• Grief can be isolating if you allow it to, but you do not have to feel alone. Often when we go through a loss, it can seem like no one quite understands what we’re experiencing. This feeling can lead to emotional isolation. Finding a trusted person to talk with as you grieve can help you feel connected and heard. This can be where counseling comes into play. 

Grief counseling can be a valuable experience for those suffering after a loss. Working with a therapist as you grieve may help you to:

• Process any traumatic events related to your loss.

• Learn to effectively communicate your emotions and needs.

• Gain tools to deal with anxiety related to your grief.

• Release any guilt associated with the loss.

• Function better in day-to-day life as you adjust to a changed reality.

• Handle your grief in a way that is mentally healthy for you, even if it is not what others may expect.

• Express your feelings regarding your loss in a tangible way that gives you validation.

• Find ways to honor the loss you’ve experienced that bring you joy and validation.

If you or someone you love needs help from a therapist to deal with loss or grief, click the button below to connect with one of our Rockwall or Heath area counselors. 

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Written by Emily Taylor, Contributing Writer

When the Holidays Aren't So Merry

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Oftentimes we find ourselves feeling down this time of year. The time changed, it’s getting dark earlier, and you’re feeling a little more isolated than you were just a few months earlier during the summer.

You are not alone. When you think of all of the people who are grieving and/or going through their first holiday season after divorce, widowhood, or the loss of a loved one, you realize that the memories can make the holidays more painful than happy at this time of year. Add to that the additional stress the season brings in the form of activities, shopping, and school events—well, you can see the problem. It’s like adding that last too-much drop of water to an already overflowing bucket.

What to do? If you are experiencing loss this time of year, your goal is this: to make it through. This is not the time to fill your chore list with handmade gifts (or gifts at all—who’s going to blame you this year?) or high stress dinners. If ever there was a time in your life to put you (and your children, if any) first, this is it. Exercise your “say-no” muscle with a firm and assertive smile and pass on committees, obligations, and entertaining. The people who might judge you—and believe me, there are fewer than you imagine—are simply not worth a second thought.

When the memories and tears come, allow them. What we resist, grows stronger, so don’t fight the feelings that arise. Tears actually expel cortisol, a stress hormone that is damaging to the body and needs to come out in order for you to be healthy.

Ask your friends and family for what you need this year, specifically. Do you need help making decisions on the children’s Christmas list? You probably have at least one friend who would love to help you. Do you need people to just listen to your grief without advising you? Tell them that you really just need an ear, not a response, from them.

These are just a few ideas; you know best what helps you stay strong. Just remember that you WILL make it through. Rest, heal, and wait for better days.